There’s Always a New Day

Even in distressing moments, new possibilities open up in time

I knew it would be challenging to move halfway across the country three months after my closest friend and life companion died. I knew it would be hard to exit the home and community we had lived in for six years. And it was. I knew I would have mixed emotions about leaving a wonderfully supportive congregation. And it was. I knew it would pierce my heart to say “goodbye” to my Virginia children and grandchildren. And it was.

I knew the process of scheduling two house closings and a moving semi’s arrival within the same week could provide some frustration. And it has and is. I’ve mentioned before the absolutely frustrating way by big name mortgage holder is handling my process. As of 5 PM last night I received yet another email with a detail that needed to be ironed out to their satisfaction. It has been a never-ending barrage of death by minutiae. I naively thought that because I have a very good credit score, have been their customer for over thirty-five years, and because they hold my current mortgage which has always been paid on time for six years that I might, in some way, be treated with some courtesy as a valued customer. I could not have been more foolish.

The purchasers of my Virginia home have been extremely picky about a home that is eight years old and has is consequent flaws. That I agreed to a price $60K less than my original asking price and $20K below my anticipated floor gave me no advantage. Knowing that I was literally in the process of moving out only gave them leverage to push every possible detail they could. So, I am this week a little embittered by the whole process. There are time when one’s personal integrity and community contribution have no bearing on business matters, and if another can take advantage of you, they probably will.

I write about these matters only to remind those who make significant life decisions following a life crisis to remember that there will be pain of other kinds piled on top of your grief. Even in these very overwhelming days, however, there is always a new day.

Yesterday my Minnesota realtor (bless her) was able to make a couple of important things happen. She was able to convince the current owners to allow me to have all my belongings moved into my new home, on par with the mover’s schedule. I had checked with the mover, but they couldn’t make a change to their schedule and absolutely had to leave my stuff in this city today at 9:00 AM. I was preparing to find a rental unit which would then necessitate moving everything from that location into the home at a later date. Not something I wanted to do at all, since the movers are paid to unload, distribute and set up everything in my home. So I knew when I went to sleep last night that I had that in my favor.

This morning I awakened to an early text (my Virginia realtor is a go-getter), telling me that the owners are willing for me to completely move in if I will pay a daily “rental” fee until the home closes. That fee is far less than a hotel rate, and I didn’t hesitate to agree to those terms. So, on this new day, I will be able to have all my belongings moved into my new home, and I will be able to spend the night there for the first time tonight. I’m breathing a sigh of relief.

I have also had the distinct benefit of adult children who have risen to the challenge before me. There are no words to express my gratitude and love for my children at this point in my life. In the midst of their own grief at losing their mother, they have been consistently attentive to my condition and care. Regular phone calls, texts and conversations have been critical to my journey. My daughter-in-law has accompanied me for the past week, and that has been a blessing. She is bright, articulate, clear-thinking and very compassionate. I’m glad we have had this time together. Her husband will join us on the weekend, as will another of my daughters, her husband and their two children. My two adult sons in this community are helpful and happy their dad is “back in town.” These are just examples of the support I’ve received this week.

Back in Virginia I have had the careful support of my two Virginia kids and their families. They helped get the house ready for its sale, checked in on me every day and continue to be in connection through texts. In Virginia I had the loyal support of colleagues, friends and my parishioners. It has been a remarkable journey of blessing for me in the midst of the hardest period of my life. I am so grateful.

What I’m hoping you see is this: most of the time in our lives we can function relatively independently. And most of us like that: calling our own shots, making our own way, not having to rely on others. But I’m here to tell you that when your hardest days come, you will learn more about inter-dependence than you ever thought possible. Relying on others in your time of deepest pain is a gift, and one you receive largely by extending yourself in others’ lives before you ever have your hardest moments. The “pay it forward” concept is absolutely real and positively works.

So, I am still at a crossroads: I need two closings to take place where there are only two business days (tomorrow is a federal holiday) including today. Knowing that I can “rent” my home until closing is a comfort, but I will not rest easy until everything has been finalized. I’m trying to remain calm and trust the process, but at moments my human insecurities and weakness leak out. And that’s a mess I never like cleaning up.

Here are my current life take-homes:

• Develop your community before you need it; invest your life in others now: provide support, care, connection, friendship, because others need you in their lives. You may someday need them. This is not simple quid pro quo (remember that detestable phrase of a few years’ ago) but sincerely caring for your “village.”

• When someone in your community rises to help you, humbly accept their kindness and resolve to be that kind of person when others need you.

• In the midst of difficulties, push on and trust that the process will carry you even when you’re “done” with it all.

• Be ready to pivot, trust your gut and trust others who can more objectively guide you.

• Finally, sometimes you just need to put yourself to bed, and …

• Remember there’s always a new day.