Mother’s Day Ambivalence

We’ve all had mothers, but that’s where our shared experience ends

Tomorrow in the USA is a day of ambivalence for many: Mother’s Day. I say “ambivalence” not because it is a meaningless day, but rather because it is filled with all sorts of meaning, producing for many all manner of conflicting feelings.

In the family Claudia and I formed through adoption, there were numerous “mothers.” Each of our children had been birthed by a mother, who for whatever reasons was unable to provide the consistent care they needed early in life. As a consequence, at some point in time all of our children had at least one (usually more than one) foster mother or foster grandmother. Some of our children entered our family having been “parentified” early in life, meaning they had (at least initially) little understanding that safely in our care they no longer needed to carry those adult responsibilities.

Because of the haunting presence of previous mothers in our family’s life, Mother’s Day was never one of simple, happy emotions. There were, of course, happy moments of celebration, but they were always shadowed with unrecognized angst and misplaced grief over early childhood mother-loss. Claudia found Mother’s Day a difficult day, because although she was as resilient as could be, she knew it was often overwhelming for our children. As our children grew into adulthood, however, Mother’s Day became more of what it is intended to be. I believe Claudia died loving her children, knowing that they loved her as best they could given the emotional constraints they had never chosen for themselves.

Mother’s Day is even more difficult this year because it is the second year Claudia is not here with us. I am fortunate to have my own mother living, and other mother figure in my life, so I don’t feel abandoned, but I do feel my children’s loss. I recently found this card, which begins to express my ambivalence:

This meaningful cad is produced by Quirky Card Company in the Black Hills of South Dakota. See their entire selection at www.quirkycardcompany.com

This week I sent handwritten cards to all of my children for whom I have a mailing address, acknowledging the loss in our family and reminding them that their mom died loving them as much as I continue to love them now. It seems like the least I could do to honor their mother’s legacy in anticipation of another ambivalent Mother’s Day, this year’s made even more difficult because of her death more than a year ago.

I could get preachy at this point, reminding all of us that the idea of “universal motherhood perfection” is too heavy a burden for women to bear. I could go on about how not all women are mothers — some by choice, some by circumstance — and that not all mothers have known how to care for their children. I could remind us that tomorrow is a tender day for many women, and that we need to be sensitive to individual situations. At the same time I could preach about how we need to honor mothers and spend more time appreciating them.

But I won’t do that, because you likely already know most of that. My words would only cause deeper pain or enhanced resentment (as the case may be), so I won’t go there.

I will, however, offer this final word. Remember the mothers in your life, those women who have made you the person you are today, who whether physically present or not, continue to guide your life. In the midst of the multiple, swirling emotions surrounding this cultural observance, find some time to feel Love, the source of all that matters in life, and the reality that many of us first came to experience through a mother in our lives.